Parenting, Identity, and Transcendent Choices

The devil is in the details.

This devil of a book does not disappoint. How does one write something so deeply resonant without living it, without knowing it? They don’t—they can’t.

Laurie Frankel’s This Is How It Always Is is a testament to that authenticity. Her writing style is purposeful, occasionally long-winded, and often decorated with wit that catches you off guard. But that’s the beauty of creativity—it can wear many hats, and Frankel wears them all beautifully.

At its heart, this is a story about love in all its messy, complicated, beautiful forms. It’s about parenting—not just the act of raising children, but the constant balancing act between protecting them and letting them become who they are. It’s about friendship, too—the kind that holds us up when we falter and reminds us that we don’t have to face life’s most challenging choices alone. It also compels us to confront the trials of navigating an intensely private matter—something as deeply personal as what’s in our children’s underpants—under the glare of public scrutiny. This is, after all, a transgender journey told through the eyes of the parents, making their perspective both gripping and profoundly relatable. Frankel’s characters lean on one another, stumble together, and remind us that community is as vital to survival as love.

The novel brims with laughter, tears, and moments so poignant they feel like a punch to the chest. I found myself holding my breath, fearing the worst for Poppy, or chuckling at the sharp banter between Penn and Rosie, wondering if their debates might actually veer into vaginoplasty. Frankel’s ability to weave humor into heartache makes this book a refuge—a story best read wrapped in the safety of a warm blanket, braced for impact yet somehow comforted by the journey.

While this is undoubtedly a story about a transgender child, it’s also so much more. It’s about the spaces in between—the choices we face, the ones we make, and the rippling consequences that shape our lives. It’s about the way friendships and family sustain us, and the courage it takes to embrace the unknown—not just for ourselves, but for the people we love.

Published in 2017, This Is How It Always Is feels even more urgent today, in December 2024. As I write this, the Supreme Court debates whether transgender minors, despite their parents’ support, can access the medical care they need to survive. It’s chilling to see how states weaponize parental rights—championed in book bans and dismissed for transgender children. Isn’t the essence of parental rights the ability to make decisions for your children’s well-being, especially when they’re too young to advocate for themselves?

This novel touched every nerve, yet it always offered a dose of levity to lighten the load. Frankel takes on a monumental task—tackling the complexities of identity, parenting, friendship, and love with a deftness that is as rare as it is necessary. She reminds us of the humanity in every choice, the weight behind every decision, and the beauty in every act of acceptance.

To write with this kind of depth and purpose is no small feat. Laurie Frankel is a storyteller of immense talent, and we’re fortunate to have works like this in our world.